This weekend i went to the womens retreat in McCall for the relief society. It was so much fun and such an amazing experience. I feel like I grew closer to those women in that short 24 hours than I had in the last 3 years. There were amazing speakers that were so moving and inspiring and eye opening. One of my weaknessess is being intimidated by other women. They are too beautiful, skinnier, happier, richer and especially more spiritual than me. I learned that this really isnt true,and that every woman feels like that. Even the skinny ones hate trying on bathing suits! And several women are much goofier than I ever knew! I never thought Id learn what blue darts were from the bishops wife and the RS president! Anyway, aside from the fun, it had some beautiful spiritual moments too. Now, Ive never been one that cant wait to get up and bear my testimony, or share personal things with tears ruining my makeup. I have had only a couple real spiritual experiences in my life. I know its my own fault... I dont pray enough or read my scritpures enough etc etc. Going to church has always been more of a chore.. something I know I need to do but man, if theres a way to get out of it, I will take it. Horrible huh? I actually took the kids to church today without Mike, cuz he was having a 2 day migraine. I wanted to go! Im not good about family prayer, or scripture reading or even family home evening. I know I should be a better wife and mother,work harder and be more patient and loving. Its so hard to change everyday habits and behavior, but I feel like I am finally in a place where I want to take that first little step towards something better. I WANT to turn to the Lord and let him help me. So. What could possibly have happened up in those mountains that would make such a difference to someone like me? Well, I will tell you!
The last thing we did before leaving was to put on blindfolds. Everyone was sitting blindfolded except the RS presidency and teachers. Music started., and continued through the whole activity. It was songs describing the life of Christ, starting at his birth. Sitting there. blind, listening to this song of his birth suddenly gentle hands placed a bundle that felt like a baby in my arms. After a minute or two, it was taken away, and I was given some straw, then a star etc... You get the picture. I had no idea who was giving me these things to hold, but their gentleness and love was definately felt. There was some netting mesh, a leather sandal... then a whip was given to me. That was a shock. I didnt want it. I wanted to throw it away from me. It was a relief when it was taken. Then another shock... a large nail was run down the inside of my arm and pressed into the palm of my hand. It was so unsettling I just froze with it pressing into my hand. I couldnt bring myself to hold it any other way. At this point, for the first time,I really imagined myself in his place. Imagined really what it must have been like, and knew that I could never fully understand. I didnt even want to hold these, and yet he allowed himself to be pierced by them. For me. Before this activity started, I was hot, and uncomfortable and had a horrible headache. At this point I realized I was actually very cool, and covered in goose flesh. I felt tingly and 'zappy'. I knew that he was there with me, filling my heart with the knowledge that he loved me, that he went through this for me. Have you ever tried crying with a blindfold on? Its not pretty. The next item I was given, was a crown of thorns. And let me tell you, it was pressed into my hands, and nearly broke the skin, but I held onto it, tightly. I wanted to feel those thorns. I wanted him to know that I was acknowledging his pain. Then the song I know that my Redeemer Lives played. I've always loved that song, and I will tell you, it was perfect. It was beautiful. It was Glorious. And He was there with me. I felt it. Physically felt it. Never in my life have I known so fully and without doubt that I was not alone. That he knew and loved me. At the end, a small picture was placed in my hands and my blindfold removed and there, in my hands was a picture of Him looking directly into my eyes. Wow, was it hard not to curl up on the floor sobbing. I did manage, after a minute, to get up and grab some tissues. I was grateful to notice that I wasnt the only one that felt Him there. Up until this retreat, the greatest basis of my testimony is my faith in priesthood blessings. Those make up most of my spiritual experiences. I know they are powerful. I know they have saved my life and the lives of several of my children. I think that is one of my spiritual gifts. Faith to be healed. Lying in the hospital at 11pm, 4 months pregnant, having just had colon surgery and suddenly not getting enough oxygen was pretty scary. But while people were putting masks over my face,and trying this and that and calling to others and basically panicking, all i needed was the phone. I knew that if they let me call my dad, i would be fine. All I needed to say to him was to come now, I need a blessing, and he came. He came quick. I remember that night more as a slideshow than anything else. Images, words... calling dad, dad next to me giving me a blessing, then being put inside a giant circle... looking for blood clots in my lungs.. breathing.. knowing I was ok, that they wouldnt find anything because dad gave me a blessing, and whatever was going wrong was righted. Anyway, that was a pretty big night for me, spiritually speaking. And I have had several blessing throught my life with all my problems, and have never doubted in their power. But that was about the extent of my emotional testimony. Mentally I know several things. I know without a doubt all the things that everyone says when they bear their testimony. I've just had very limited emotional testimony. I guess thats why this experience yesterday was so powerful for me. I had my heart open, and he entered. Its hard to keep your heart open,instead of safely closed. but I want to, and I will try to open it more because I know now that it has to be open, for Him. He wont force his way in. I have to invite him in.
So, its pretty scary writing all this for just anybody to see. But Im doing it. Im hoping it will help me keep my heart at least ajar, and not closed. And maybe it might just help you open yours just a tiny bit. :)
